Forgotten Body Project

A conversation at work (my main job, aka acting like a therapist) reminded me of an abandoned project from four years ago (FOUR YEARS! It does not feel that long ago…). I remembered how passionate and excited I was about this project, and how I haven’t felt like that about a project in a while. Granted, I have excuses - moving multiple times, living at my parents’ temporarily, going through breakups, starting a new job, traveling - but these are weak excuses. They never stopped me before. I have projects in mind, and new ones coming to me regularly, but I have not been able to get that level of motivation and excitement that allowed me to dive in, with no hesitation or second-guessing, and get lost in a project.

This specific project started with my fascination with figure drawing, my lack of professional training, and my annoyance at the available reference options.

Before I go on, I should clarify that all bodies are incredibly unique and beautiful.

So picture this - early morning, sitting at a stranger’s kitchen table with my sketchbook, the dog I am taking care of watching me from the couch. The person I was seeing at the time had sent me a link after I vocalized interest in getting better at figure drawing but struggled to consistently find references. They recommended a website (I’ll add the link at the end because it is a great site) that has a massive free catalog of portrait photos - of all genders, ages, and races (though mostly white - what a surprise lol), clothed or naked. You can filter how you want to proceed with your sketches; for example, you can set it so the photo changes every 30 seconds, forcing you to do quick, loose strokes rather than focusing on details. The website as a whole has a lot of benefits, and I highly recommend it as a starting point.

Here is where I got annoyed - they are all skinny or muscular bodies. Once in a while, you may get a beautiful, Italian Renaissance-looking body. But even then, those bodies are sculpted a certain way to be “appealing” - small shoulders and arms, medium chest, small waist, wide hips. I had even looked into buying a figure drawing “how-to” book, but after a brief amount of research, I realized that they focus on skeletal influence and ways to depict the slight shape of muscles.

After going on a monologue of frustration to my partner, I realized what I was seeking was how to draw bodies that have fat on them. Fat accumulates and holds so differently on every single person. Sure, muscle can depend heavily on our skeletons and what muscles we focus on, but that’s just the thing - there is some personal control in that, and somewhat predictable results. My brother calls them “vanity muscles.” Fat comes in like a storm and does what it wants. If I wanted to make my hips fuller without working out multiple days a week and probably eating lots of protein, I would have to deal with my chest getting bigger or my upper arms changing, along with everything else that comes with gaining fat. My partner was flummoxed at my complaint (I just wanted to use the word “flummoxed” lol).

I had spent many years with body image issues that led to pretty intense food restriction and other forms of bodily harm (I don’t want to get into that because it isn’t the point I want to make), and I found that doing self-portraits somehow made me feel so different about my body. It was a way of honoring it. It was a symbol of my body being beautiful enough to capture in art form. It was a way for me to respect how I am formed. And since my body has changed a lottt over the years, this meant that my self-portraits did as well.

I remember moments when a past partner or my mom would see a work in progress and comment on how good the piece looked, and I would point out that my arms or stomach were not big enough and still needed to be altered. They immediately jumped to my “defense”, saying that it wasn’t true. But they were - I knew this - so I would be taken aback. This also didn’t help my body dysmorphia…

I am a woman who came of age in the early 2000s and 2010s. I know how the world views women and our bodies. I have known since being a child, when men would compliment me or stare. I have known since I started having to ignore catcalls and being terrified of men who can’t deal with being ignored. I have known since having to move between a guy and a friend on the dance floor because he kept groping her. I have learned tenfold more in my adult years - from Jeffrey Epstein’s influence on markets selling the idea that women should be smaller, younger, more childlike, to learning that women in many places in the world are subjected to female genital mutilation (FGM), accurately named for the forceful, traumatizing, and damaging procedure (which you should really look up to understand the horrors and prevalence), to the ways we are disregarded or degraded in many spaces, constantly reminded of where we stand in this society, especially if our bodies do not conform to the beauty standards of white supremacy and patriarchy. 

But my portraits were my space to explore what I saw in myself and how to envision it differently, with more loving eyes. And those comments reminded me of how far others’ minds are from that vision. 

So my mind was made up. In addition to continuing to explore my own body, I would dedicate myself to finding fat bodies, BIPOC bodies, queer bodies, disabled bodies, and so many more - to honor them, to capture their beauty. Not to objectify. But also because I was curious how to draw fat - the texture and the way it lives on bodies.

It took a while to get going and figure out how to do this. I started by following a variety of people on social media and screenshotting their photos - especially ones of them being magnificent and empowered in bathing suits or underwear. This was a passive activity I did for years. You should see the hidden folder on my phone - there are hundreds of nude or mostly nude strangers.

The next phase was figuring out how to capture these, as I love using various mediums. I had the idea to focus on line drawings (as shading can feel overwhelming to me at times).

Side note: I have a habit in my art of challenging myself with some things, then completely avoiding others that I find difficult. Hands. Feet. Faces. It’s not that I can’t depict them, more that I have suchhh a difficult time making them look proportionate. It has not clicked in my head - the shape of a head, or where things fall on a face to make each person look like themselves. I have watched hundreds of videos and tutorials over the years. I will continue trying, but it feels impossible, and people who can do it are wizards.

I started with line drawings and added minimal details to depict texture. For some, just because I found it fun, I added florals and fauna, or landscapes in the background. Then I went in with watercolor for details. I hated how the watercolor turned out - it was too splotchy. I tried acrylic - it was too intense and shiny. So I stepped back from that process and focused on line drawings, often leaving out details like hands and feet and keeping facial details minimal. I would just do the body lines and leave even the background for later.

Once I had a collection, I was able to imagine the next phase for the project: coloring books. Since they were already line drawings, I could just add details/scenery to the background and leave it for other people to shade and color.

At this time, I was also settling into my job as an art therapist and finding time to host art nights with friends, which often consisted of me assisting or helping with techniques. I had many people around me telling me I should teach art or make an art therapy workbook. I had already put together some ideas for that and played around with how it would be presented. I had seen a variety of adult coloring books for mindfulness and gratitude journals with prompts. So creating a coloring book that included mindfulness and journaling, while also showcasing a variety of body types felt serendipitous.

Art has a way of doing that in my life - blending my passions and current interests, and thrusting me forward. I could give so many examples of when art helped me find a path forward in life, and I look forward to all the ways that will continue to happen.

This project consumed me for a summer and most of the fall. I created two editions of what I called the “Self-Care Workbook.” Some friends and family purchase copies or express interest, but it felt like one of those things I couldn’t get off the back porch - a great idea, attempted on a small scale, that fell flat. Other people might tell me differently, but I know the market and my half-hearted effort was a brutal combination. I think I knew that it wasn’t ready to go anywhere, even if it was a good idea. I was deflated and burnt out. It did get to me. I know, from my work and discussion with people I’m close with, that it is difficult to sit down to coloring or journal. There is a whole industry built around physical and mental wellness that can feel more like fads - like standing desks with walking pads underneath them, or the Atkins diet, or Buns of Steel workout videos. And body positivity, coloring books and gratitude journals had their moment.

I hope those drawings that I did post all those years ago helped someone see themselves as more beautiful and worthy of being honored in art. I hope those coloring books - the ~20 that were distributed - have some pages filled out. One thing that has stuck in my head, and is why I keep all the drawings I did not use in the two coloring books, is that there is space for this art. I’m not sure where or when, but it feels like I will find inspiration in them again. And I do think I’m getting closer to re-engaging with that project. Not sure what it will look like, or how I will honor my own body in the process, but I feel it coming. Especially with everything I see about GLP-1s, how the manosphere talks about people's bodies, looksmaxxing, and movie stars looking like they could be broken by the wind, I feel that this may be needed once more. Very soon. 

https://line-of-action.com/practice-tools/app#/figure-drawing